sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
FUCK WHALES
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
