I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
