It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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