The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
