Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
