I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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