ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
