I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
