If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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