WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
