My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Every concussion has its silver lining
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
