I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
