I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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