i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
