Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
