Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
