and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please don't give away my fajitas
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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