a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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