I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ketchup is God's man juice
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
