So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
