i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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