Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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