So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.