Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
