I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
