I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
