so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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