Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
