Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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