i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My penis needs a shock collar
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
