So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
