I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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