There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
