Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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