I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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