I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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