i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
