i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
