we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
