if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
