I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
