just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
