Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
