Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
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If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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