Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
