Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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