he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
