Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
