So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
