They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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