A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
