I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
