my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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