"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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